Poem of the Day

What a nightmare. It’s been a tough few weeks, and certainly last week was quite monumental. Both for myself, but for most of the people in the UK too (not to mention the world, with changes daily).

I’ve certainly been lax on the blogging front (I’d planned to blog regularly, but that fell a little by the wayside). In the past few months, I’d planned a lot of things, including the intention to move to Devon by the end of June. But everything has moved far quicker than I’d planned, even if the universe was showing me all the signs that a big change was coming (I’ll talk about that in another post).

In a brief update, about three weeks ago I made the decision that, once my contract at my current job was finished, I would move to Devon. My parents moved there back in September last year, and since then I’ve been all over the place mentally. My anxieties have risen again to the surface, my psoriasis began to creep back, and I’ve been torn between what to do on many fronts.

So, knowing that a change was coming, I thought a lot about things. About my life, what I wanted, and also about what was best for my mental health. Once I’d made the decision to move to be closer to my family, I suddenly felt a weight lifting. But that was just the beginning.

Because three weeks later I’d find myself, amongst billions of others across the globe, experiencing a worldwide pandemic. And yes, while I am 32 and not in the at-risk category of this virus, I am still bloody terrified.
Terrified for others mainly, but also worried a little for myself, hoping if I do get ill, I won’t get too sick that I end up in hospital, but also because a few years ago I did suffer with a really horrible cough and I just could not stop coughing for 2-3 days. Combine that with my anxiety and I was in panic-mode one night, when it was so bad I couldn’t sleep, desperate for any solution to calm my throat. I just don’t want to go through that again… or end up on a ventilator… but then, who does?

Anyhow. Fast-forward to this last week and I have taken the advice of the people around me and moved back to my family as of last Wednesday to work from home, what with all this stuff going on with Covid-19. I’m still not great, having panic attacks/anxiety attacks daily, but if I was back renting my room back in West Sussex, I think I would be having a meltdown. Who knows what’s going to happen as we go through this crazy situation, but I’d rather be with family.

In the meantime, I’m taking to writing to get me through. I’ve written a poem too, just to get the words out from inside my head.

Enemies Within

This is madness
I cannot see
I ache inside
Can you feel it
It’s a storm waiting to be free

I tie knots
Within myself
I shake and shiver
It’s a crazy mess
And I cannot get rid of it

I’m fighting wars
Everyday against
Enemies unseen
But this world fights
A bigger foe than me

This is fantasy
These thoughts
Raging inside me
But out there’s reality
I want to scream and hide

I hate myself
The truth hurts
I hate these feelings
I despair against me
Wishing to rise higher above it all

Why can’t I win
Not just this minute
Not just this day
But everyday from now
I want to win and kill this thing

This war is hard
It is a battle
Against more than terror
More than the fears
All I wish for is a life of light

It’s a small wish
Isn’t it? My hope?
That trust that things
Will be brighter
That tomorrow is a better day.

Thanks for reading. I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us. But in the meantime, as I am desperately trying to do, use this time to do what you love. Whether that’s reading books, writing, art, music, drama, sport or whatever you enjoy. Some of these things may look different than normal – you may be recreating a play virtually rather than physically on stage, or drawing items from inside your house rather than taking a trip to an outside space, but we’re amazing creatures when we put our minds to whatever we want to do.

Adapting to change is what we do best.

Kate @ Kandid Chronicles x

 


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